No one can honestly claim to know it all. The infinite amount of knowledge out there makes it impossible. The recent ChatGPT AI fad can’t stake claim to being all-knowing either. This machine finds it hard to separate fact from fiction. One could surmise the easiest reason why. It lacks two human elements: living and feeling. Learning, coupled with living, is what makes our existence uniquely situated to us.
Our formative years are meant to teach us the basics. Our parents instill in us the dos and don’ts in behavior. We’re taught how to carry ourselves, respect our elders, and right action. If you’re fortunate enough, they’ll also bestow upon you an importance in education. If not, it’s sink or swim on your own.
School teaches us educational concepts needed to understand the world we live in. The fundamentals are reading, writing, and math. History can be added in there. However, the teaching landscape has changed since my school days in this regard. Amerikan schools indoctrinated you to believe Christopher Columbus discovered what is now the US What a load of BS! You can’t help one to understand with lies. Facts, good or bad, light the way for one’s true education.
My education growing up is nothing to rave about. I did good in elementary school. As I grew older, my grades declined. I went from A’s & B’s to D’s &F’s. It can be chalked up to a lack of interest in school altogether. School was good for two things in my life: warmth and food to eat. Other than that, I couldn’t picture myself becoming anything/anyone of value through an education.
Therein lies the problem. I was living without a belief in self or purpose. My idea of living centered around a street mentality. It was a dog eat dog, survival of the fittest, mindset of living. School books weren’t going to keep me alive or wrapped in love. With this in mind, it was easy to say, ‘fuck school’. Just like that, I settled on it not being for me.
In my late teens, one thing did change my perception on learning. My daughter. Her birth made me want to get my diploma. She motivated me to want better and be better. Along with working a 9 to 5, I felt this was how. I grinded during the day and crashed books at night. While doing so, I recorded my best high school grades. If you’ve ever received straight A’s, and you’re from the hood, you know this sense of accomplishment is unexplainable.
What did I learn? If I applied myself, I could do this learning thing academically. Too bad I didn’t stick it out. I fell two credits short of graduation due to a longtime foe of mine, math. The failure took the wind out of my sails. I lost the desire to finish and left it at that.
What happened? Life. Someone I believed loved me made me feel less than for caring about not graduating. Me. Someone who grew up never caring what anyone thought of him. What can I say? Some gut punches do leave you breathless. Especially when you thought the person should want the best for you, I lived to learn love doesn’t criticize your attempts at self-enrichment.
Once again, academic learning became an afterthought. That is, until I reached PA’s Death Row. For those of you who can’t picture it; the environment was dismal back then. A productive use of time was limited. At minimum, you sat in a cell for 156 out of 168 hours a week. You could go to yard Mon-Fri for 2 hours and law library once a week for 2 hours, but both were optional. When in the cell, a TV or radio were your pacifiers. That and playing the gate, which is prison slang for standing at the door talking.
How I chose to live under these circumstances mattered to me. Time mattered to me. I couldn’t see myself watching TV, playing the gate or chess all day wasting it away. I had to do something productive with myself. FOR MYSELF! I had to make my living count for something. I chose learning. I chose it for myself but also for my lil ones. There’s no way I could stress value in their education if they found out I was a quitter.
Death Row wasn’t allowed to participate in the usual activities general population (gen. pop.) prisoners could. The reason being those activities could only be accessed in gen. pop. I guess the DOC viewed us as beyond rehabilitation? But there was ONE we had access to if we so chose. It was the in-cell GED study program. After I finished my law work, I enrolled in it. Amazingly, no one else at SCI Greene’s Row was doing so then. They simply opted to work on their case or nothing at all.
In short, outlets for positive activities on the Row were nonexistent. One would have to put forth their own effort to become productive. For many, they felt ‘What’s the point when I already have a death sentence?’. It’s a shortsighted outlook, but to each his own. From the get-go, I knew it wouldn’t be me.
I enrolled in the in-cell GED program. A teacher would bring the work to the cell. I’d do it and then return it. Along the way, I ran into my old foe, math. Boy, did it beat me down. I’m okay with the basics in math. Algebra is where I get to wrestling with it mentally. Geometry came easy cause the formulas are provided. With algebra, there were too many step-by-step processes to remember. I wrote the education dept. seeking further explanation. At the time, the help I sought was glossed over. I was told the packets explained everything. Eventually, I stopped trying. I dropped out of the program.
This wasn’t the end of the story. I purchased my own Steck-Vaughn GED prep book to study. I also got one specifically for math. When I felt I was ready to take the test, I re-enrolled for this purpose. Unfortunately, the powers that be would not let me skip their process. I could only take the test when they felt I was ready.
Thankfully, a new teacher was assigned to the Row by then. Mr. Morrissey ended up being a godsend. He was patient, answered every question, and was very encouraging. In his words, “You’re going to pass this test, you jive turkey!” His inspiration, and belief in me, was a first in my life from an elder male pertaining to my education. Shout out to Mr. Morrisey!
Little did I know then, I’d never be allowed to take the actual GED. As previously stated, Death Row prisoners could not go into gen. pop. The test could only be taken in the education dept. That explains why I was in the program for many years before taking it.
If you recall a prior writing of mine (“Using Time”); change came to PA’s Death Row. We gained out-of-cell time along with access to programs. As soon as we did, Mr. Morrissey told me I was going to take the test right away. I was given a week to prepare in Dec. 2019. I received the first set of browns (gen. pop. uniform) on Greene’s Row. Prior to this, Row guy’s wore neon orange onesies. I was also the first to venture out into gen. pop there while still on the Row.
Sidenote: SCI Greene is PA’s supermax prison. Half of its population is locked down 20 plus hours a day. When the Row was there, it was located on the lockdown side. It was the only block enclosed by a fence in the prison. General population prisoners were not allowed on this side and vice versa.
When I reached the gen. pop. side, via escort, several people were calling out to me. “What’s up, Key?! When you get off the Row, Cletus?” The liveliness of it all was exciting. The hustle and bustle going on around me was invigorating. I felt victorious before even clicking an answer on the GED.
I finished two sections of the GED in one sitting. I passed each one with no problems. I returned the following week and passed the third section. Before I could finish the last one (math), prison life interrupted. A C.O. was stabbed over 30 times. A sergeant tried coming to his rescue. He ran headfirst into a lock in a sock. We went on lockdown for nearly 2 weeks. The biggest assembly of CERT (Correctional Emergency Response Team) boys showed up to drop the hammer on the prison. Before I could complete my GED, I was shipped out for court. Then COVID happened.
Finally, in 2021, I completed my GED I passed math on my first try. SCI Phoenix held a graduation. The moment was surreal for me. Twenty-one years later, I finally graduated. I was so proud of myself. My perseverance had paid off. My determination and belief in self was the ultimate reward. I knew I CAN, and now it was on to the next.
What came next was totally unexpected but a part of living we all get to meet. It’s called opportunity. Some don’t see it for what it is and walk right by it without noticing. Others meet with it, sit down with it, get up and embrace it, then dance with it. They’re the ones who take advantage of a positive opportunity.
SCI Phoenix sits dead center between Philly and Reading, PA. It’s the largest prison in the state, capable of housing 4,000 prisoners. The closest renown college is Villanova. I wa there in the mid 90’s to attend a football game. However, it’s mostly known for its basketball program. Well, that is until the recent election of the pope. Point is, I knew little to nothing about it until three years ago.
With my GED now in the bag, I was on cruise control. My death sentence appeal was moving at its usual snail pace. In between time, I gained a gig tutoring in the education dept. I’d work Mon-Fri and continued my writing in off time. The work was easy. I liked helping the guys out. Seeing them graduate helped me recapture the feeling of accomplishment. Aside from work, I knew I had to become more proactive with positive activity. Out of nowhere, an opportunity came my way.
There was a sign on the block’s memo board. SCI Phoenix was offering a Villanova Liberal Arts bachelor’s program to prisoners. At first, I read it and kept on pushing. Me? College? I couldn’t frame myself in the picture. But then a silent voice (intuition) reminded me of something I felt deep inside months earlier. I needed a sense of purpose. You know, something to keep me living and fighting-a worthy goal. After some thinking, one thought continued to play in my mind. Why not me? I could challenge myself. I could test my untapped potential on another level. It was all the motivation I needed. The GED was for me and my children. A college degree is something I’m doing for me. This goal has extended my sense of purpose.
By now you can guess what happened next. I passed the entry exam. Ever since, it’s been one sense of accomplishment after another fueling me on. I’ve only been enrolled for 2 years. Still, I find myself enraptured by the experience. I LOVE the learning each class provides on a variety of topics. The professors have been hands on in their teaching, fully engaged. Each bring their own unique style, but they are all helpful. The biggest keys to college learning are listening, note taking, and making the time to put in the required work. Check, check, check! Each aspect hasn’t been a problem for me. Oh, writing skills are very important as well. Big check! All of my professors have complimented me on it. A few have been amazed when I reveal I’ve been self-taught.
So far, I’ve taken a plethora of classes. To protect their identities, I won’t cite the names of the professors. To date, Ethics, Business Law, Entrepreneurship and French Metropole have been my favorites. No knock on the other classes I’ve attended. I just enjoyed these the most.
When it comes to my favorite classes, I ate up the knowledge put before me. In Entrepreneurship, I learned how to form and write a business plan. In Business Law, I learned the ins and outs. In Ethics, I learned about Aristotle, Socrates and even James Baldwin. French Metropole educated me on the French & Haitian Revolutions. Toussaint L’Ouverture was a baaaaad mutha..’Shut yo mouth’. Jokes aside, I now understood why Saint-Domingue (Haiti) was so important during that era. Agriculture. Toussaint rallied his people to free them from the bondage of colonizers and dreamed of using it to build a mighty nation. I obtained a treasure trove of information in two short years.
My least favorite classes were Theology and Math. I loved reading about the top ten largest religions. Islam, Buddhism, Atheism and Confucianism were the most interesting. I was both surprised and enlightened by what I learned. What I didn’t like about Theology was the class discussion. I’m not a subscriber to mass control in the form of religion. However, I firmly believe everyone needs spirituality in life regardless of what he/she chooses to believe. I just never liked the idea of offending anyone’s choice in what to believe. They’re walking their own mile, as am I.
Math class was being offered in my second semester. As a core curriculum subject, only one class was required for a bachelor’s degree in liberal arts. Knowing my history with it, I could’ve easily put it off to the end. I did the opposite. I faced the fear head on, ready to embrace the challenge. Right out of the gate, I second guessed myself. It was on algebra, the advanced type. What did I get myself into? Thankfully, this professor was amazing. She taught us to form a new relationship with math. It changed my perspective. I’d like to think this is why I got an A in it.
Villanova has been worth every second of time I’ve put into it. Even more so when I look around me viewing how much of it is wasted on pointless activities by others here. I’m all in with the program determined to get this degree. So far, I’ve received seven A’s and one B (in psychology). Heck, I even got an A in math when I felt sketchy on it. But due to this, it’s reinforced in me an ‘I CAN’ mentality. I know I can conquer the rest of this goal. In the process, I can continue to do what I always aim to: learn.
There are many people in the world who don’t value education. Even more in prison who seriously need it but don’t value it as well. It’s sad when you come across people of all ages who can’t read or spell. I try not judging them. How could I? I remember a time when education held no importance to me. I can imagine their hopeless outlook on life. Shame can also be attributed. It’s easy to believe you’re not
smart enough when no one believes in you. But if you don’t believe in yourself, why would anyone else?
I understand we are different in our own right. We all have insecurities. Our doubting demons lie in wait to steal our blessings. I bet if you really sat down to think about it; you’d see the way you’ve been negatively infected by them. You’ll see the ‘I can’t’ moments when it came to education. What did you learn from it? Nothing positive. You’ve learned to live with fear. As a result, you robbed yourself of realizing your true potential.
The goal isn’t for us to know it all. We never will. If you live to learn and learn to live, you embrace the challenge to evolve as a person. You adopt a can-do belief in self when it comes to academic learning. You don’t wait for ANYONE to believe in you. No doubt it would help. But it’s better to infect your brain with a belief in self to the point it becomes an epidemic within. You can look back on your history with education. What you can’t do is dwell on it. Learn from it, then close that chapter. Begin writing a new one with an open mind and willingness to learn.
This is coming from a high school dropout. It’s coming from a kid who once said, “Fuck school!’. It’s coming from a man who got his GED in his late 30’s and now attends college in his 40’s. It’s coming from a guy who’s living to learn and learning to live with death hanging over his head. Until that day comes, I still have room to grow.
If I can live to learn and learn to live under these conditions, you can too. If not, what are you alive for??? There are no excuses.
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