If Only
By Cole Onstad
I wish I could visit my younger self,
I’d teach me how to acquire generational wealth.
If only I could go back and meet me when I was ten,
I’d make certain I never ended up in all the places I’ve been.
Just one chance to speak to me before I knew death and hate,
If I could, I would save myself my upcoming fate.
Before prison and all the evil I learned to embrace,
I had a smiling innocent face.
I was a great kid with a huge heart and plenty to give,
I’d give anything if only that I had been allowed to live.
I would beg me to believe that nothing was how I thought,
I’d listen to Mom and Dad and what they taught.
I’d never do all the things I was certain made me cool,
I’d finish living like a damn fool.
I’d be certain that I never had to be away from my kids or alone in a cell,
Given just one chance I’d save me from my living hell.
Prison Sucks
By Cole Onstad
Prison sucks for all the wrong reasons! When I say prison sucks, the initial response from most people is “Duh, it’s prison, it’s not supposed to be pleasant.”
But prison doesn’t suck because it’s a strict environment that teaches discipline through a regiment of punishment and corrective actions.
In truth, prison is a wide-open playground for grown men. We don’t gotta work or worry about bills. We hang out and tattoo each other and go to the playground all day (rec. yard) to play softball, football, handball, or just hang out. We have plenty of time for exercise and to watch T.V. Every night is movie call. We get ice cream on store days and make all kinds of meals with our commissary besides the 3 meals a day from the chow hall, with cookies and cake on Wednesday and Sunday and pancakes and French toast on the weekend. We go to visitation and our families are really nice and buy us treats plus take pictures and order meals for the week through inmate counsel. We always have an endless and unlimited supply of drugs and alcohol. Between the corrupt officers and all the ways we smuggle stuff in, let me assure you there is all the dope and alcohol you could ever want.
It’s kind of a paradise for an irresponsible, drug addict that hasn’t grown out of his teenage years. Once you get used to it and get all your radios and stuff in order, we usually have, or have access, to cell phones and plenty of time to surf the web and call people. But what does suck is how counterproductive the whole thing is. It’s taught me to hate people. It’s exposed me to racism on all levels by ALL RACES OF PEOPLE.
It’s stripped me of my desire to help people. It’s made me want to learn how to hurt people and worse, it’s made me want to be a person that can hurt people and be proud of it.
This place is so corrupt that at times I find myself hating who I am because I can’t hurt people without feeling bad. I’ve felt less than myself because my spirit is kind and caring.
Over a twenty-year period, I’ve watched this place destroy every ounce of compassion and kindness in everybody that got here with either. Me included.
It’s taught me to be selfish with all my belongings because sharing is only satisfying if it’s appreciated. But when you’re only bringing trouble and unwanted attention to yourself by any act of kindness, you learn to avoid all such behaviors and before you know it you’re a bitter, angry dude that can’t hardly see any good in anybody and it sucks.
No one is doing anything to correct my behavior. I’m just blessed with a strong mind and a truly good spirit that has forced me to look inwards and realize that this place is the problem. All these dudes shouldn’t be executed; they just need help.
So, prison sucks because it makes bad people worse and it destroys the goodness in people that get here because of mistakes and errors.
It returns them home with knowledge of evils they didn’t previously possess and gives them nothing useful.
Prison sucks.
Insane Asylum
By Cole Onstad
I live in a real-life insane asylum, but I’m not crazy….or am I? It has become very clear to me that I am in a mental health barracks. The more I notice the conditions of my environment, the more certain I am that all of the 89 men (assigned here with me) are fucking crazy. I’m not talking about the crazy usually associated with wild, rowdy guys being caged against their will. I’m talking about real life mental health patients. Old and young, and everything in between. I’m dealing with some mentally and emotionally unbalanced guys.
What’s so shocking to me is the realization that I seem to fit in perfectly, except I’m not crazy! I don’t eat shit or pull my hair out. I don’t talk to myself or scream at imaginary enemies, but neither do these guys around me. But there is no doubt about their insanity. I’m realizing just recently that I actually fit in quite well with my crazy barracks mates. My inability to accept my own instability kept me in denial about the fact that I’ve been assigned to the mental health section of the prison farm, but since I’ve been able to at least consider that I’m probably crazy too, my eyes have been completely opened to what’s going on around here. I see every manner of sickness here. Drug addicts, alcoholics, sexual deviants, and all manner of neglected mental health issues are front and center around here. Even the guys that appear normal (at first glance) have begun showing signs of trauma. They are either always angry and making sure to cause a scene by ranting and raving over every little thing that happens, or they are starting physical altercations with the weaker inmates. We have guys that need constant attention and reassurance that they are special, or else they will self-destruct. The entitled lot feel like they must be involved in everything that anyone has going on. And then there are those like myself that are able to present themselves as normal/unaffected, but in truth are probably the craziest of all, because WE KIND OF ENJOY THIS MAD HOUSE!
Prison
By Cole Onstad
Prison is structured and dangerous.
This place is chaotic and wild but rarely much of a threat.
Prison is rehabilitation and reform.
This place is drug infested and without any rules.
I live in a drug and alcohol filled environment with addicts and alcoholics who fill every waking moment drinking and doing drugs.
There is no pretense otherwise. Sobriety is a foreign world. No one is promoting or seeking any type of sober lifestyle. There is not a single moment of any day that requires anyone to remain unintoxicated.
We eat, sleep (when not on meth) and do drugs. There is never a shortage of chemicals to indulge in, nor is the alcohol ever in short supply.
The truth of the matter is that you can’t escape the flood of illegal drugs and homemade alcohol that fills this place. Everywhere you go is overrun with all manner of drugs and alcohol.
No Comments