Setting:
At a State Penitentiary during a Mental Health Awareness Month Event.
Characters:
Bernie – A mid-aged inmate resident that is speaking about his struggles with mental health issues and suicidal thoughts at the Mental Health Awareness Month Event.
The Struggle
A spotlight is only seen at center stage. Darkness surrounds the spotlight of the empty lonely stage. That’s when a mid-aged man named Bernie enters the stage by stage left wearing a gray inmate prison uniform as he slowly begins to walk over to center stage into the spotlight. Bernie seems to be tense as he looks around at the audience with downcast eyes. Prison life has taken its toll on this incarcerated man. It can be seen on his facial expressions. Bernie pulls out a handkerchief from his front shirt pocket and he begins to wipe the sweat off his face and forehead with the handkerchief. He slowly puts the handkerchief back into his front shirt pocket. Bernie begins to speak slowly.
Bernie: (Nervously) Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. My name is Bernie. Inmate number #DM1946. I’m a resident here at SCI Cornerstone. It’s an honor for me being asked by the
administration to speak here today at this year’s Mental Health Awareness Month Event to tell my story of recovery. I hope and pray that my story can help someone here today in some way who is struggling. Who is hurting. Who may be thinking about ending it all. (Uneasy) I know about the struggle. For I was there myself. In fact, I still battle with the feelings of dread, guilt and depression. It’s a straight-up miracle that I’m still here on this Earth. (Anxious) I lost so much blood. I should be dead…six feet under.
{Bernie takes a deep anxious breath.}
Bernie: (Heavy emotions) I struggle everyday with mood-swings, psychological, emotional and mental health depression. It haunts me. (Beat) I’ve been diagnosed bi-polar and psychosomatic. This all stems from being horribly sexually, emotionally, mentally and physically abused as a child. (Grieving) I never said anything for years. I kept it hidden within. I never told my parents. Things such as abuse was left unsaid back in those days. I was terrified of my abusers. I was ashamed.
{Bernie begins to cry.}
Bernie: (Distressed) That’s why rejection could set me off into oblivion. Losing any more loved ones could push me right over the edge. I’m helpless in this place. In this cage. (Pause) When my siblings passed away, I couldn’t take it anymore. So, I cut both of my wrists deep.
{Bernie lifts up both of his arms to show the audience the deep scars on his wrists.}
Bernie: (Desperate) I was hoping to bleed out. I wanted to die. I wanted everything to be over for good.
{Bernie lowers both of his arms.}
Bernie: The guards, nurses and the doctors in this prison saved my life when they found me bleeding out in my prison cell. (Cynical) Of all the people, they saved my life. Isn’t that some crazy shit, huh? The guards that oppressed me, saved me. (Beat) For that, I’m grateful to the staff here at Cornerstone.
{Bernie looks from left to right at the audience members full of gratitude.}
Bernie: (Truthful) Now, I’m on proper psychological medication to help me have some kind of control of my mood swings and heavy depression. I’m in weekly therapy, institutional programs, volunteer and group programs and I’m leaning heavy on my faith to help me overcome the struggles I face day by day behind the razor wire. (Truthful) You see, being incarcerated for years makes everything so much worse dealing with my mental health condition. I’m caged in my mind, my body and my soul. At times, hopelessness sets in. It’s not easy to deal with. It drains the soul.
{Bernie starts to become more emotional. He wipes a few more tears dry from his eyes.}
Bernie: (Sadden) I can’t be with my family. I miss them so damn much. (Guilt) It’s hard for me to forgive myself for all the pain, agony and extreme heartache I caused my victim, my victim’s family members, my family and the pain I caused myself for the senseless crime that I committed that took someone’s precious gift of life away. (Remorseful) I am guilty. It was wrong. I’m so sorry for what I did to Mr. Brody and his family. My remorse is sincere. (Sorrowful) I’m having trouble forgiving myself. That’s my struggle. (Emotional) I guess, it’s a struggle for many others in prison as well. Forgiving themselves. (Crying) I can’t seem to forgive myself. My victim’s family members won’t forgive me. That’s just the way it is. I have to accept this reality. I understand why. I took someone’s life in my madness. I may never be able to forgive myself for what I done. The pain, guilt and remorse stays. It lingers like a cancer. This is something that I just have to live with. (Beat) The guilt.
{More tears flow from Bernie’s eyes.]
Bernie: (Determined) My focus has been my recovery tools that I’ve learned to help me survive now as a trained Certified Peer Support Specialist (CPS) that is helping others with mental health issues just like myself trying to overcome the overwhelming trauma that we all face on a daily basis in this prison. Serving time is a psychological rollercoaster. The things that a prisoner deals with everyday is unbelieveable. You have to be incarcerated to understand that. Purpose is the key to overcome. Without a purpose, one becomes the walking dead behind bars.
{He wipes his eyes dry once again.}
Bernie: (Hopeful) I’m getting an education now. I’m working hard to earn my college degree. This gives me a purpose. Like I said earlier, we all need to have a purpose in life. Whether being incarcerated or free out in society. Without a purpose, a mind is wasted. Purpose gives our lives so much value and worth. Purpose brings joy to one’s heart. Purpose gives someone the courage to continue in this thing called life.
{Bernie smiles.}
Bernie: (Peaceful) I found a purpose in this place. (Beat) Yes, sometimes I don’t feel like I deserve to be happy ever again. The guilt, regret, sorrow and immense remorse comes at me like a tidal wave that consumes my heart, soul and brain with excruciating agony. It drags me to my knees. It pounds my mind. It beats me down as these emotions tend to come at any time to attack me. They’re trying to kill me. (Broken) I know that these feelings have allowed me to know how sincerely remorseful I truly am. I have that gut wrenching remorse. (Deep breathing) Sometimes, I wish the good Lord above would just take the pain away or just take me away to the place of everlasting peace and rest where everything will be made right. The home of perfection.
{Bernie tears up again.}
Bernie: (Remorseful) This is something that I just have to live with. I have to deal with these emotions. I have no choice. I have to be honest with myself. (Pause) I’m so grateful that I’m getting the help I need to deal with all of this. It’s a life long process to stay in recovery. Getting help has saved my life behind these concrete walls, barbed razor wire, fences and these prison bars. It has saved my life.
{Bernie takes another deep breath.}
Bernie: It’s good to know that I still have a future in this world and that I still can help my family members, friends and others by doing good and positive things. I still can have goals and dreams to leave a good and lasting legacy. It’s wonderful to know that I can make a good difference in this world. In fact, we all can if we put our minds to it. (Sincerely) I owe this to Mr. Brody, my victim. I owe this to Mr. Brody’s family members. I owe this to my family and friends. I owe this to the community and society. (Emotional) I owe this to myself, to help others. To help others from making the same mistakes that I made that hurt so many. (Humbly) I still can have a second chance even in prison and hopefully by the grace of God a chance at redemption back into society someday, even in the struggle. (Beat) This gives me hope. To me, that’s genuine.
{Bernie waves at the audience with a peace sign.}
Bernie: (Appreciative) Thank you so much for your time and attending this year’s Mental Health Awareness Month Event here at SCI Cornerstone. Have a great day. Peace and blessings always.
{Bernie backs away out of the spotlight. He exits stage left slowly.}
The end.
No Comments