When someone’s life ends, we always think of wanting more time with them, what we could have said, what we could have done better. Then when its suicide the questions the wondering why, trying to figure out what pushed them to the point that made them say this life is not worth living any more, there’s no hope. When I heard the call for ICS I knew it was bad, but I didn’t know why. ICS is what is called on the radio to the other officers to come help when an inmate is trying to hurt himself or when he’s not responsive. When I learned that he didn’t just hurt himself but that he took his own life.
The emotion hit me for his loss. Some of the guys got mad. I don’t think that’s a proper response. People think more highly of themselves than they should. Like I’m so important you should have talked to me. The thing is, he felt alone, I know at times we all do, I DO. I’m living with 13 other men, but I don’t feel comfortable talking about ALL THINGS with them. So, Micah was the same. I’m sorry for that but I can’t let my thoughts beat me up about what I could have done better, because he gave no signs. He didn’t reach out he just made his mind up and DID IT! The only thing I can do is live a better life to remember him. Love my neighbors a little more, reach out a little more and think of others more. I have withdrawn from the guys a little, I just needed to think and Praise God! To separate myself and just worship God!
We are to Praise God for many reasons. Most people won’t understand the mind set of Praise God anyways! Especially in the bad times. The things that we learn from the bad situations mean so much more than the good times. The bonds that are made through hardship outweigh the good all day long. The life lessons I’ve learn since I’ve been here just could not have been learned anywhere else. I am very sorry for the choices that I made that got me to this place but I’m thankful for the opportunities to learn and grow here.
I was talking to another man who got off DR named Frank, and he was telling me these very things. That the things that he learned while on DR could not be learned anywhere else. So even in this time of loss and sadness for my friend I will reflect but most of all I will Praise God for all He’s done here in this place. The changes, the growth, the help, the drawing us closer as a section.
To focus on the things that matter, to focus on living our lives today because we can’t change what happened yesterday and we are not in tomorrow yet so focusing on today is where we need to be. To focus on loving our neighbors more, focus on our family, letting the petty thing go and focusing more on relationships over being right. Because as we focus on the relationship, we can teach what’s right by our love.
I’m so far from having things figured out but I know so much has changed in my life, in my mind and in my relationships. I still have moments of failure and I’m learning about boundaries but the failures, the poor choices, or bad decisions are not as often anymore. That’s God changing me, changing my life, changing my thinking, changing my habits, changing my desires.
Now here’s what I know, if God will do these thing for me he will do them for anyone who seeks Him. It takes some action on our part! To submit and surrender to Him, because as long as we are still trying to rely on our own understanding we are setting ourselves up for failure. We must acknowledge Him in all our ways, and he will direct our path. Pro. 3:5-6 is where that comes from. Can I just take a moment to say how much I love you and thank you for being a part of my life. Even in my sadness, I want to reach out and talk about where I’m at.
Maybe this will help you know that you are not alone even when you are alone, you’ll know I’m with you in spirit because we are going through our own things together. Remember to have REASONABLE expectations, believe in yourself because I do! You can overcome and you will overcome, just put all your trust in God because He will never fail you.
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