I came into prison with a 12–40-year sentence. I was used to being in a violent environment, but coming back to prison a second time, was even worse than before. I knew that prison was ran by violence. I still thought like a criminal, so going to a SNY (special needs yard) and living around sex offenders was out of the question. Plus, I believed that as a man of my build, I was safer under the structure of the general population. So, I assimilated to prison. I allowed myself to come to believe that I was doing what I had to to survive, and it was better to be the one carrying out violent attacks than to be assaulted. I thought hurting people made me feared, when in fact it was actually me who was afraid. I convinced myself that violence was justifiable because it was either me or them. This is criminal thinking at its strongest.
Violence is never justifiable under any circumstances. Criminal thinking allows us (the incarcerated) to rationalize our violence. When I was told to assault someone, I rationalized it by thinking it is either them or me. I never stopped to think that this is actually a sign of fear. I allowed fear of prison, and the politics within it, to force me to commit violent acts. I knew if I didn’t carry them out, I would be the next target.
Since my incarceration, I’ve witnessed the stabbings and murders of a multitude of my peers at the hands of members of violent street and prison gangs. There are individuals who have paid correctional officers to open the cell doors of their targets so they could kill them. From my experiences of being in prison, I know prison to also be a very corrupt place. I’ve been places where I was unsure of whether or not I’d make it home. It must be the same thought that the prison staff had at the beginning of their shift. I often wondered to myself.
I remember a time where I went to breakfast, when I arrived back to my cell. I entered the cell; my cellmate hadn’t made it there yet. I sat my lunch sack and cup on the table of the top bunk (my bed area). At that very moment from the corner of my eyes, I noticed a quick shadow entering my cell, the cell door closed right behind the shadowy figure. When I turned around to face the shadowy figure – there stood someone with a very sharp prison made shank in his hand. I literally fought for my life that morning. At the end of the melee he ended up with a multitude of knots on his forehead and a busted lip, there was blood everywhere. I ended up with a broken pinky finger that to this day still gives me problems. Two years from the time of that incident I remained in that same cell. I was supposed to die that morning.
Prison desensitizes us (the incarcerated) to violence. On the inside we get used to the notion that we are separate from the real world and are no longer a part of society. This is criminal thinking – believing we are a world unto ourselves. Society encompasses everyone, regardless of where you live or your status.
Every prisoner in prison is as much a part of society as the President of the United States. The notion that our world is different, the rules of violence are different too, is absurd. Assaulting, stabbing and hurting people in order to survive is never justifiable. When we do this, we may survive prison but we lose ourselves in the process. As prisoners we become a person that not even we can recognize anymore.
There had come a point where it crossed my mind that if I wanted to both make it out of prison alive, and if I wanted to restart my life, it was imperative for me to “Drop Out”, to give up on the prison politics. Because General Population hadn’t allowed me to work on becoming a better version of myself. It hadn’t allowed me to distance myself from the negative influences all around me. It hadn’t allowed me to deal with my childhood trauma, nor had it allowed me time to figure out my triggers or come up with coping mechanisms. it hadn’t allowed me to deal with my deep-rooted issues. I could never rehabilitate myself if I remained in that environment.
I can say that was the most significant decision I could have made for myself.
Today, I am housed at Lovelock Correctional Center, a SNY yard. Where I am continuously working on myself. Dealing with my childhood trauma, learning what my triggers are and realistic ways to cope with them. I haven’t received any major infractions within the past five years. I have been both drug and alcohol free. I have earned over 30 certificates in re-entry, communication, healthy relationship skills, victims’ impact, financial literacy, anger management, becoming the solution, substance abuse team building, entrepreneurship, marketing, purposeful living, and much more from a variety of reentry programs and acquired marketable skills. I’ve earned a university certificate in “Leadership and Management,” from Southern Utah University, a Nationally ranked business school that’s known for Entrepreneurship.
I have assisted my peers in identifying their trauma and positive ways to cope with their past traumas. I have assisted my peers in acquiring marketable skills, creating resumes and cover letters, as well as, how to establish and cultivate positive platonic relationships with pillars of the community, from their prison cell.
I have completely given up on both the criminal and the convict mentality.
I now see life through a different lens. I am more hopeful for the future than I was prior to my incarceration.
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