You don’t miss something until you no longer have it. At my prior prison, I failed to take advantage of the option to visit the library seven days per week. At my current prison, I can barely get a library book once or twice per month. Prior to prison, I was not a reader at all. After I graduated from high school, I think I read two books. Once I was put in the county jail, I became a reader. I was surprised that I enjoyed romance books, perhaps since they were the only option on the book cart. When I was in solitary confinement, I discovered I also liked reading other types of books. I discovered I enjoyed reading military memoirs and fantasy books. Previously I had believed fantasy to be complete nonsense.
In 2021 I kept a book log, and I read almost two hundred books. I had purchased 140 books from Bargain Books. After reading, I donated many of my books to the prison library, although I felt frustrated that many donated books didn’t make it out of the Death Row building. Certain guards would give the “donated” books to other prisoners, and those people would sell the books, so they never made it to the intended destination to be shared by everyone. At my prior prison, it took me a while to discover the library. It was small but it had so many books I wanted to read. Once again, I was disappointed that I donated many books, but I never saw them end up on the shelves.
Several people were constantly recommending books to me, so my reading list kept growing. I constantly kick myself for not reading more. I think I could have easily visited the library three days per week and read six books per week. I wrongly thought I would stay at that prison over a decade and wasn’t in a rush to visit the library often. I thought getting two books every Monday was good enough.
Here at this prison, I sent multiple requests in. Six weeks later I was finally granted a library session. My building goes on Wednesday. Things rarely run smoothly. It’s almost impossible for me to be able to visit the library two Wednesdays in a row. Yesterday was a compete mess. I was so close to giving up on the library permanently, as it’s less stressful to have zero library books instead of one visit per month. The library closed at 1pm yesterday and count time was over at 1:15. I made it to the library at 1:45. I was devastated when I saw the sign saying the library was closed for the day. I slammed my library book down inside the drop box. It was Crank by Ellen Hopkins. 550 pages. In one day, I read 440 pages. I thought a thick book would take me a while, but that book was thought-provoking, and I read it too fast. The library here doesn’t have many thick books. My previous book was by Neal Stephenson. I took me four days to read, but I felt the book was underwhelming.
As I walk away from the library, I remind myself that prison doesn’t care. I remind myself that nobody cares that I value a library book. I put a request form in the drop box. If I am unable to get a library book next Wednesday I am done with the library. It’s too stressful having to struggle just to read a book. The process is the punishment, not unlike prison.
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