Growing up over the years, I decided early on which mistakes I did not want to make as a parent when I decided to have children. In the back of my mind, I had designed the perfect life, perfect children, and of course myself as the perfect parent. Needless to say, over the years, as my children grew up in another country, I came to the harsh realization my ‘perfect plans’ would not come to fruition. I realized no matter how much planning I had placed into parenting, or the multitude of books I read, I would never be the perfect parent or have perfect children. In fact, I would make a plethora of mistakes, not only with my first child but my subsequent children as well.
In my detailed planning I had not only accounted for everything to run according to my scheduling and planning, but I had planned ahead of time not to make the same mistakes my parents made. Sitting here today, I have the ability to openly share with you my plans were a gigantic illusion. Life happened, and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. More specifically, as the years went by, the challenges and obstacles I have faced as a mother left me feeling inadequate, and empty as a parent. From the birth of my eldest child, I wallowed in all the mistakes I made, both big and small since each of their births. Especially after my arrival in prison.
Parenting is always a hot-button topic for both mothers and fathers alike, but each has a different role in the life of their children, and most importantly this factor varies whether you have a son or daughter. A common phrase which is overused by both genders is ‘I am the momma and daddy’ or vice versa. If we as a parent could fulfill the role of mother and father, you would not need a man and woman to produce a child. As parents we are wearing ourselves out, attempting to fill shoes which we were never meant to walk in, no matter our circumstances.
While mothers have a maternal instinct, fathers have a paternal instinct. I do not have the ability to tell fathers how to do things with their children which only fathers are meant to, but I can stress how both fathers and mothers can reach out, and effectively parent their son or daughter from the situation they have found themselves in. Moms and Dads, Rise above your circumstances.
As a parent, you are responsible for so much more than the physical well-being of your children. As a parent, you are responsible for the mental, emotional, and spiritual welfare of your children. As a mother or father, when you are physically absent, you can still productively parent, beginning with your child’s mental health.
A part of your child’s mental health is knowing you are alright. They need to know you are accomplishing your goals where you are planted, because this brings them a sense of security, and peace to know their parent is okay. Part of this includes being open with them about your hopes and dreams including asking them about theirs. This shows them you are hopeful about your circumstances, and one day see yourself home with them. Inquiring about their dreams helps them grow and opens a realm with an abundance of possibilities for their future, including you being an immediate part of their future.
Losing a parent in the physical aspect, your child just wants someone to listen to them, and hear them out. They need to learn how to process their thoughts and emotions in a healthy manner. Your child needs their hopes, dreams, and feelings to be validated in a nonjudgmental manner. They need to know you care and you are listening to them, not just hearing them.
Secondly, as a parent, your child’s emotional health is another area where you can be an effective parent without being physically present. The time you spend in letters, emails, on the phone, or at visit, helping your child learn how to process an array of emotions such as anger, sadness, greed, and envy may keep your child off the path you followed. Time spent on the front-end, as they grow, and mature, teaching them how to process emotions in a healthy manner, has the ability to place them on a path with successful relationships.
Lastly, we are responsible for the spiritual condition of our children. Depending on your beliefs, you could inquire about their beliefs. Ask them specific and targeted questions geared toward open dialogue. Ask open-ended questions. Do not judge them when asking questions, but chances are your child has questions of his or her own about your faith and beliefs. More likely than not, they do not know how to ask you. All of these things, you have the ability to do from right where you are.
Ironically, over the past ten years I have learned parenting is not solely about the physical acts such as taking them to school or bathing them. The act of parenting encompasses so much more. God gives us the responsibility, as mothers and fathers for the physical care of our children, but the mental, emotional, and spiritual aspects should not be overlooked or disregarded.
From the birth of my first child, I was under the distinct impression I had to be actively involved in the day-to-day physical care of my children’s lives to be an adequate and accomplished parent. I will admit I was wrong. I can parent from within my circumstances, helping to mold the mental, emotional, and spiritual aspects of my children’s lives. I can teach them to have integrity and impart them with wisdom. As parents, we can assist them in developing a healthy, moral compass to assist them in their life choices. More importantly you can help them cultivate their spirituality, and teach them about our wonderful, almighty God.
In my opinion, parenting in these areas is more meaningful because you are assisting in the process of developing your children into healthy, balanced, and accomplished adults. And in this contribution to your children, you are leaving a legacy of parenthood for your children to mimic, no matter the trials and obstacles they will face as parents when they too have kids of their own.
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