I had no strength to make an honest attempt to stop Josh from a suicide attempt.
But, if he is successful, as his cellmate, I would most certainly be charged with murder. Either I successfully convince him to not kill himself – which honestly, had no right to do – or I certainly will be charged for his death, directly or indirectly.
But I was empty with nothing left to believe in, perhaps I had enough of this world too. I carried heavy personal burdens, all held by a thread that every person is redeemable, no matter what they have done in the past. Even the worst of humanity, given a chance, can be redeemed. Obviously, God, who knows all, knew this, and planned for a salvation.
That thread snapped when I was wrongfully accused by staff, and nobody stood up for me – I was alone, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, and the only company I had was now a victim of rape, who carried a far greater burden than I could ever bear myself. He wanted a release; he had enough, and I could not argue, not with sincerity, because in truth, I believed him.
But I had to do something…I had to try.
“Josh, I can’t let you do this,” I said, still seated on the floor, wiping the tears I shed for him.
“Fred, I was…,” he started.
“I know, you don’t have to say it.” I finished.
For long seconds, neither of us spoke. Slowly, Josh got up, and sat on the bottom bunk, looking down. I slowly got up, and cautiously moved to him, giving him space, even in the small cell.
“They…they put me in here because they claimed they found a shank in my cell. Fred, you know I don’t do that,” he started, as I nodded in agreement when he raised his head to look at me. “I was put in here, and the CO’s laughed as they…they put me in a cell with a guy. I heard them say, ‘Don’t have too much fun’,” said Josh as his voice softened, and began to tremble.
“They knew he…”
“Don’t finish, Josh,” I said, saving him from reliving the horror. I don’t know if I said it for myself, not wanting to hear anymore, or saving Josh from himself in reliving the trauma. I hated the officers and staff here for facilitating a rape and being cowards to hide behind policy. They have much to answer for.
Long moments passed. I let Josh have as long as he needed.
“I…I won’t live with this Fred, I can’t,” he said, face down.
“What about your family? Josh, you got to think about them. I mean, how much time you got left?”
“Even if I had a day, it doesn’t matter. I’ve got nothing left in me. Nobody was there when I was…,” as his voice trailed. It took a few moments for him to regain himself, wiping away a few more tears. “The staff KNEW what was happening. I told the lady in psychology, she said she would talk to the Lieutenant…they did nothing. I put in a medical sick call, medical said that I had to wait until they could fit me in.”
I felt myself getting more and more angry at the staff for being so demonic. A person is being raped, and every one of them was looking for excuses to do nothing. Josh was right, nobody was there for him.
“I…I couldn’t cry…I wanted to, I needed to, but with him, I was not allowed. It was killing me more than what he was doing to me. Nobody cared…until you showed up.”
“Me?”
“I needed, more than anything, someone I felt safe with, so I could empty myself, and be human, before I killed myself. I didn’t want to die like an animal, Fred. I prayed and prayed for a way out, but nobody listened, nobody cared.”
Josh shifted himself, and looked to me again, with a very slight smile. “Then he…IT left, a transfer. I heard the CO’s say to him, ‘You enjoyed that’, as they walked him out. I thought I would get another and was scared for my life. I was going to kill myself before, but then the door opened, and you came in. I was finally allowed to cry, to get it out. But, I’m spent. There’s nothing worth living for anymore Fred.”
“I…can’t let you do it Josh. But for the life of me, I don’t know why. It’s just not right. Suicide just isn’t…,” I couldn’t finish, not with a straight and honest face, looking at a rape victim. I nodded my head, with resolution, “If you kill yourself, you’re leaving me with more than I can bear.”
“I know…I’m sorry Fred. I’ll give you a few days, so I can get one more letter out. After that, I’m leaving this world. I can’t live here anymore; I can’t take it. If you really want to save me, you have a couple of days to do it.”
It was the best offer I could take.
That night, I slept on the top bunk and had a dream; I was in an unfamiliar world, a chaotic world with fog and sweltering heat, with holes with horrible creatures attempting to crawl out, but could not. However, they were pulling in any person foolish enough to approach the holes, tearing them apart as they were pulled to their apparent death.
I watched, safely from those holes, but saw a young person walking deliberately towards one of the holes. The creatures leapt and clawed to get out the hole but could not. Yet, the young person, knowing the danger, continued to walk towards them.
He was walking to his death, and he knew it.
I cried to him to stop, calling to him continually, but he turned, acknowledged my attempt to help him, turned, and continued to walk towards the hole. He was clearly going to allow himself to be killed.
I ran, for what foolish reason I could not tell, but ran as fast as I could. I knew what he WANTED to do but felt sure he should not. But he was not going to stop, he was going to die. I screamed, “No! Not like this!” knowing I could not stop him, the creatures would take him.
Unless I gave myself…
With whatever strength and bravery I had left, I ran past the young man and dove…into the hole, tackling the creatures into the hole. I would die, but I would at least pull them in with me, possibly saving the young man.
At that moment, my dream was interrupted with a heavy thump on my bunk. I figured it came from Josh who was in the bottom bunk. But when I woke up and looked down, I didn’t see him. Where did the thump come from? In the darkness I looked and didn’t see Josh. I hopped off the top bunk and looked in the small cell but didn’t see him.
There was only one other place he could be, in the closed shower in the cell. I pulled the curtains back of the shower and saw, to my horror, Josh, hanging on a noose off the shower nozzle.
Josh was dead.
To read Part Three click here
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